::..Tuesday, May 06, 2003..::


Dear diary,

Someone just couldn�t get me out of his head. To confess the thing that now becomes an obsession to him is way too much for me to bear. What did I do till I turned him to have such feeling for me? I treat him the way I deal with everyone who�s being nice to me. No more no less. I thought everything is back to normal and the thought of him getting over it was what I had in mind as he seldom contacted me now. I never thought that our last conversation meant something to him. I was wrong� very wrong. He waited all this time for the right moment to appear so that he would have a solid reason to call me up. Why didn�t I realize it? God please help him�

Why don�t I feel happy for this is what I�ve been longing to happen? Those four letter words are precious to me and I won�t simply cough it out to anyone that I like. Love is different from lust. The one that I had for Payung was lust and it will NEVER occur to me that one day God would put us together in Cupid�s list. He�s just basically someone I had a crush on. The idea of being his girl? I don�t think so! Totally harmless�

But there�s one thing that still leave me in puzzlement. Why did I feel a faint jealousy when he mentioned about other girls? I mean, I don�t have feelings for him, yet this happened. In fact I feel this toward some others. Is that because the idea of �sharing� him with others? Or perhaps because I want to be the ONLY ONE in his center of attention? Oh c�mon! This is way ridiculous! I can�t help myself! But tell me something about it, as I know some of you guys do feel the exact thing, right?

I hate to break a person�s heart as I may feel that I�m the cruelest person on earth. He is nice, witty in a way and I�ll feel comfortable when exchanging thoughts with him. What could simply go wrong? What�s wrong with me? Could anyone please explain that to me? All I know is that I�m up for love but no one doesn't seem to trigger my heart, not just yet. This guy doesn�t leave me with many choices though. Everything that I choose will leave him broken-hearted. Oh just how much I hate this thought! God please help me�

I am totally unsure where this leads to. I�m clueless on how to proceed. Maybe I should just let it go with the flow. Yeah, it�s better this way I guess....